I woke up from a good dream. I dreamt that my brother came to visit me because he was concerned. We were in the woods, but not like the deep and dark woods, but more-so like a garden hidden within it.
From a distance, I saw him walking down a steep hill carefully, to come toward me but when he spoke, I heard his voice as if he was standing right beside me.
He said, “Others were talking, so I figured I’d come visit to see how you are. They say that someone woke you.” I was very upset and told him that it wasn’t like the last time I felt anything for someone. Last time, I knew that God had put the desire in my heart to make me want a man and it conflicted with my own feelings toward him. This time, the desire I had for a guy, felt like it was also placed there by God, but I genuinely liked him as well. There were no conflicts over the feelings I had over this individual. It’s as if God and I had finally agreed on a person.
My brother asked me what the problem was and I told him that the man I longed for was already with someone else.
Michael didn’t seem all that concerned and I was so very surprised that he tried to make light of my problems, being as though he could see I was clearly upset. He asked me, “Do you want me to drop a house on this woman?” And I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to laugh but didn’t want to offend me. I wasn’t sure if he was making fun of me, or what…
I was appalled and said to him, “Of course not! I’m asking you to help me to move on.” My brother continued in his behavior asking me, ‘why would I want to do that?’ I wasn’t sure if he had come to see me because he was genuinely concerned or only pretending to be worried about me. He seemed pretty happy about something and I sensed that, all he wanted to do was tease me. I finally asked him, “Why do you behave this way?”
My brother kept joking around and said to me, “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.” He just kept joking around as if my concerns weren’t important and it made me more angry.
So I asked him what was going on in his world. He told me everything was wonderful and that I shouldn’t worry about the little things. He told me my concerns would pass and to just forget about it. I should focus on trying to enjoy the rest of my short vacation on earth and I was doing a really good job overcoming the issues accumulated by the traumas I went through in this world. He knows how difficult this life had been and seeing him go back to being supportive of me, made me feel relieved.
I looked at my arms and my body, reminiscing how I got these scars in the first place. Every inch of my body was covered in scars, like a severe third to fourth degree burn marks. My brother pulled me in for a hug to comfort me because he could sense my self pity. The burns didn’t hurt anymore but they still served as a reminder of how capable mankind was, of such great evil. I asked him to take me home because this life never felt like a vacation to me. I just wanted to go back to work because at least our mother could restore me back to normal.
I didn’t know why he kept referring to this life on earth as a vacation… I didn’t even work this hard when I served God. Most of the work was having to remain sane and it was so very difficult. Spending time with my brother made me remember how much I hated the flesh. It makes my mind so forgetful and simple minded, and most of all, foolish and powerless. The body has limits and cannot contain the universe and it’s like trying to escape a strong and powerful straight jacket – it’s incredibly frustrating. I couldn’t wait to be able to get out of this flesh, it was so burdensome.
Michael asked me how Gabe was doing and it snapped me out of my deep thinking. I told him I hadn’t seen him in a little while. It made me wonder what Gabe was up to and what he’s been doing with his time. I told Michael that Gabe and I had been working on something, to help the children feel more welcomed into this world. I saw very little hope and success and wasn’t sure if it would even benefit mankind at all. Michael didn’t seem too hopeful about it either, because of how mankind tends to turn every good idea into bad. People just abuse and take advantage of every good deed, and it reminds me of how I shouldn’t be that way, even when they continue to take advantage of me.
I asked my brother to stay with me for a little while and we went over to sit by the rocks and talked a bit more. And he promised to ask God to see if He could shorten my vacation time because clearly, I was not happy here. In exchange, I promised him that I would continue to try enjoy my vacation and be a bit more hopeful that it will get better and I woke up. I know God always listens to him and was even more hopeful that I had someone strong to support me in my request.
I have no clue if any of my dreams are real, except for the ones that came to pass for the ones I had prayed for. I was always so happy to see God answering my prayers for the barren women and for the sick. He didn’t always answer every single one, but it was never my business to know why. I don’t know where I am going after this life and I’m never afraid. A part of me feels no doubt that I will return to my siblings in heaven, like the ones who have come to me in my dreams, to support me throughout my youth, when I was being tortured daily. I often wished I could take off my flesh and toss it to people and say, “Here, continue doing whatever you want, for, you can have it.”
I used to pray that God would turn that one dream I had, into a reality, when He turned me into a giant so that I could step on people like ants and crush them. I used to love that dream. Every time I think about it, it makes me so hopeful for this vacation to end.