A Dream

I woke up from a good dream. I dreamt that my brother came to visit me because he was concerned. We were in the woods, but not like the deep and dark woods, but more-so like a garden hidden within it.

From a distance, I saw him walking down a steep hill carefully, to come toward me but when he spoke, I heard his voice as if he was standing right beside me.

He said, “Others were talking, so I figured I’d come visit to see how you are. They say that someone woke you.” I was very upset and told him that it wasn’t like the last time I felt anything for someone. Last time, I knew that God had put the desire in my heart to make me want a man and it conflicted with my own feelings toward him. This time, the desire I had for a guy, felt like it was also placed there by God, but I genuinely liked him as well. There were no conflicts over the feelings I had over this individual. It’s as if God and I had finally agreed on a person.

My brother asked me what the problem was and I told him that the man I longed for was already with someone else.

Michael didn’t seem all that concerned and I was so very surprised that he tried to make light of my problems, being as though he could see I was clearly upset. He asked me, “Do you want me to drop a house on this woman?” And I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to laugh but didn’t want to offend me. I wasn’t sure if he was making fun of me, or what…

I was appalled and said to him, “Of course not! I’m asking you to help me to move on.” My brother continued in his behavior asking me, ‘why would I want to do that?’ I wasn’t sure if he had come to see me because he was genuinely concerned or only pretending to be worried about me. He seemed pretty happy about something and I sensed that, all he wanted to do was tease me. I finally asked him, “Why do you behave this way?”

My brother kept joking around and said to me, “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.” He just kept joking around as if my concerns weren’t important and it made me more angry.

So I asked him what was going on in his world. He told me everything was wonderful and that I shouldn’t worry about the little things. He told me my concerns would pass and to just forget about it. I should focus on trying to enjoy the rest of my short vacation on earth and I was doing a really good job overcoming the issues accumulated by the traumas I went through in this world. He knows how difficult this life had been and seeing him go back to being supportive of me, made me feel relieved.

I looked at my arms and my body, reminiscing how I got these scars in the first place. Every inch of my body was covered in scars, like a severe third to fourth degree burn marks. My brother pulled me in for a hug to comfort me because he could sense my self pity. The burns didn’t hurt anymore but they still served as a reminder of how capable mankind was, of such great evil. I asked him to take me home because this life never felt like a vacation to me. I just wanted to go back to work because at least our mother could restore me back to normal.

I didn’t know why he kept referring to this life on earth as a vacation… I didn’t even work this hard when I served God. Most of the work was having to remain sane and it was so very difficult. Spending time with my brother made me remember how much I hated the flesh. It makes my mind so forgetful and simple minded, and most of all, foolish and powerless. The body has limits and cannot contain the universe and it’s like trying to escape a strong and powerful straight jacket – it’s incredibly frustrating. I couldn’t wait to be able to get out of this flesh, it was so burdensome.

Michael asked me how Gabe was doing and it snapped me out of my deep thinking. I told him I hadn’t seen him in a little while. It made me wonder what Gabe was up to and what he’s been doing with his time. I told Michael that Gabe and I had been working on something, to help the children feel more welcomed into this world. I saw very little hope and success and wasn’t sure if it would even benefit mankind at all. Michael didn’t seem too hopeful about it either, because of how mankind tends to turn every good idea into bad. People just abuse and take advantage of every good deed, and it reminds me of how I shouldn’t be that way, even when they continue to take advantage of me.

I asked my brother to stay with me for a little while and we went over to sit by the rocks and talked a bit more. And he promised to ask God to see if He could shorten my vacation time because clearly, I was not happy here. In exchange, I promised him that I would continue to try enjoy my vacation and be a bit more hopeful that it will get better and I woke up. I know God always listens to him and was even more hopeful that I had someone strong to support me in my request.

I have no clue if any of my dreams are real, except for the ones that came to pass for the ones I had prayed for. I was always so happy to see God answering my prayers for the barren women and for the sick. He didn’t always answer every single one, but it was never my business to know why. I don’t know where I am going after this life and I’m never afraid. A part of me feels no doubt that I will return to my siblings in heaven, like the ones who have come to me in my dreams, to support me throughout my youth, when I was being tortured daily. I often wished I could take off my flesh and toss it to people and say, “Here, continue doing whatever you want, for, you can have it.”

I used to pray that God would turn that one dream I had, into a reality, when He turned me into a giant so that I could step on people like ants and crush them. I used to love that dream. Every time I think about it, it makes me so hopeful for this vacation to end.

A Dream/My Thoughts

I woke up from a very sad, but confusing dream this morning and it bothered me on and off throughout the day, trying to make some sense out of it.

I dreamt that I was tired and exhausted and went to go to bed to rest. When I entered into a room, a woman was already lying in bed and I wasn’t sure who she was because I couldn’t see her face and was wondering what she was doing in bed. I was so tired and there was a sheet that wasn’t neatly made over the bed, but just lying there. I lifted up the sheet to get under it and just thought it was weird that she had to be in bed with me.

On the other side of her, I saw a glimpse of a man lying under a blanket while he was fully clothed, in work clothes. He looked snuggled and warm, and very comfortable and peaceful – almost as if he was dead. When I took a closer look, I saw that he was the guy who I liked from work. Immediately, my heart leaped and I felt like a youthful child and started to jump up and down, happy and excited. I was so excited to see him and wanted to be near him.

The woman who was between us, told me to be quiet and to stop jumping on the bed or else I would wake him. I didn’t care because I wanted to wake him, so that we could both get off the bed to go somewhere and hang out, since I wasn’t tired anymore. I leaned over her to go to him but she got angry and pushed me away, and told me not to disturb him because she wanted him to stay asleep. I saw him open his eyes and he looked at me, but he just laid there, looking at me and remained very still. I thought maybe I had frightened him because he didn’t even make any facial expressions. He just stared at me as if he was a bit surprised and just froze like that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t know why he was looking at me like that and wished he would say something but he didn’t and it hurt my feelings even more.

The woman kept scolding me, telling me to stop looking at him and told me to look the other way. She also told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk to him and it crushed my heart. I wasn’t sure why she was keeping me from him because I sensed she wasn’t even his girlfriend. I was a bit upset that she seemed possessive or something. I didn’t want to cause any trouble with her, nor did I want to upset her even more. So, I listened to her and turned around to face the other side, away from him, feeling sad. It was then, I felt uncomfortable being there and wasn’t sure whether to leave. I didn’t want to disturb either of them and wanted to leave them be. Last thing I wanted was to create trouble over a guy. I had already been through so much trouble in life, I just wanted peace, even if I had to be alone to get it.

When I went to turn around, I could feel he had woken up and got out of bed. I looked up to see him walking around the bed and was hopeful he was going to come to me on my side but he disappeared. I wasn’t sure where he went, but I felt like it was my fault he left. I felt trapped and powerless because I didn’t understand what was going on. I got very upset and went to lay down to sleep because all I wanted to do was respect the woman’s wishes in order to keep the peace and to forget about him… but my desire for him, was incredibly strong. I wasn’t able to sense anything from him and just assumed he left because of me and I felt even more heartbroken because I didn’t know what I did wrong.

I did as the woman told me and left him alone and I could sense that she blamed me for waking him up and making him leave. I felt so guilty even though I didn’t know what I did wrong. I wasn’t sure if it was my presence that made him leave and I felt bad, as if I messed everything up for her and felt worse, that I disturbed him from his sleep.

When I went to lay down, facing away from the woman beside me, I was surprised to see one of my friend’s daughters sitting on the bed with me. Mayson’s big blue eyes just stared at me as she knelt on the bed and she looked exactly like her mother. I sat up to talk to her because it seemed like she wanted to tell me something but couldn’t. I went to comfort her because I wasn’t sure if there was something wrong. I asked her how she got there and combed her hair back behind her ear with my fingers, while asking her if she was okay. She didn’t say anything, but just sat there and stared at me and just wanted my attention. I went to pull her in for a hug, and saw a blurred man standing behind her, who was leaning over the bed to hand me a child. Mayson moved to the side so that I could hold her newborn brother.

I looked down and there was an infant laying there in my arms who aged within seconds into a toddler, right before my eyes. His skin had tanned so quickly, he was covered in olive skin tone and he had these beautiful brown eyes. I couldn’t see his face or body clearly, because he was mostly a blur. I leaned down to kiss him on his head because of how much I wanted a son of my own. I looked up to congratulate Mayson’s father on their third addition, but Mayson told me she didn’t have any other siblings but her one brother.

I was so confused because I knew that my friend had two girls but in the dream, there was only one girl and one boy. What was even weirder was that Mayson and her sister were several years apart, but as I held her brother, I sensed that she and her brother were only two years apart. These two siblings looked completely opposite and I wasn’t sure if they were even related. Mayson had fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes and her brother had olive skin with black hair and brown eyes. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I was very happy for their parents. Mayson looked just like her mom and her brother looked just like his dad. I wanted to congratulate my friend but she was nowhere to be found and there was this strange guy standing over me, beside the bed and I couldn’t tell if he was my friend’s husband and just assumed he was. I was so very happy for him and congratulated him over this beautiful little boy and I woke up.

I was so very disturbed and nothing made any sense. I didn’t know why my dream seemed so messy like that, it never used to be that confusing. The only part of the dream I understood was the bed. Bed dreams always symbolizes a form of rest or the lack thereof. An unmade or a messy bed usually symbolizes a sense of restlessness, and I wasn’t sure what all the other parts meant and it frustrated me.

I went into work to try to forget about it and it bothered me on and off, throughout the day. Then, my day started to get better when my supervisor brought me into a conference room to talk to me about my replacement. I was so happy, I started to prepare getting out of my role by creating step by step instructions for the next person. It made me so very happy, that I wanted to go out and celebrate.

I hadn’t planned on going to a company event today, but I wanted to spend time with my favorite coworker and just bask in the joy of moving out of my current role. We drove over with two of our other team mates and I was so happy to smell food, I jumped up and down with excitement.

When I saw the guy who was helping me in my role, sitting at a table ahead of me, my heart started to feel like it was jumping up and down too. At first, I didn’t think it was him, but when I went over to sit, I realized it was him, and I felt my heart jumping up and down even faster. When I waved, he was taking a bite from a burger and the sight was so adorable. I didn’t know why my heart so drawn to him and he looked so very nice today. I gestured to see if he had wanted me to come over to sit with him but he didn’t want me to and it reminded me of my dream. From that moment on, all I could hear was that woman’s voice, yelling at me, telling me not to look at him or talk to him, in my head. Every time I looked over, I felt guilty, so I eventually stopped and I didn’t know why it bothered me so much. Every time I looked over, I saw that he didn’t even look at me once and it made me realize that he was just not into me. And why should he be? God didn’t give me a good brain nor did He gift me with anything but the ability to transfer emotions into words.

As I sat and ate there, trying to get to meet new people, I couldn’t think because the woman’s voice kept scolding me in my head to leave him alone. Whenever I wanted to look at him, the memory of her voice would come. It was so hard for me not to look over and I got a bit frustrated, trying to think. I couldn’t focus and my thoughts were everywhere, as if someone had opened pandora’s box inside my head. But once I remembered that he had a girlfriend, it was easier for me not to look over at him at all and I was finally able to focus on myself and on those who sat at my table.

Although I struggled in the beginning, lunch actually turned out to be really fun. I never knew how awesome my other team mates were and I forgot about the guy who helped me in my role. I didn’t even need to look at him for the last time, before leaving. I was happy to finally regain control over my thoughts, because it had gotten really crazy for a moment and for absolutely no reason at all.

After that, my day started to balance out and then it made me sad again. I started to notice that my other coworker was coming out during my breaks and he seemed to have wised up. He hadn’t resorted to any raunchy sex jokes at all throughout the day when he would come to see me and it made me like him again. I just really like him when he comes off as mature… but a part of me felt like the more I thought about the other guy, the more depressed I felt that he was out of my reach. I know that perhaps, I should give my coworker a chance… maybe it will help me forget about the other guy.

I don’t know how this man grew on me so quickly… I should have foreseen it when I first met him and felt this way for no reason. I didn’t think the feeling would return, once it went away but I guess it was a warning God gave to me, like a premonition.

I rarely talk to him or see him; and every bit that I do, it makes me more and more happy. I am not sure if it was the conversation about socks or him mentioning old classic movies that got me. Or maybe it was the way he talked about his interest that turned me on, or the way he is so empathetic that makes me feel comforted. Maybe it’s the way he had my back that I felt supported for once or maybe, it’s his overall personality that makes it easy for anyone to fall in love with him…

Whatever it is, I just need to walk away… thinking about it only stresses me out and it makes my eczema worse. I want to find happiness that I can have and I hope to find it soon. Trying to take another woman’s man, never results in good fortune. I know how much God hates it. I will never put my own wants before His Law.. not even if I end up burning with passion. That’s the absolute truth and my Maker knows it. So, I hope things get better soon.

I figured I needed some time to get out and get my mind off of things. My favorite coworker and I decided to go to one of our team mate’s house tomorrow night and I can’t wait. I feel like it’s the outing I need. I am definitely going to drink my ass off and forget this whole day and that bizarre, messed up dream. It was not a very good roller coaster ride, that’s for sure… I pray tomorrow will be a lot better.

A Dream/My Thoughts

I woke up from a dream this morning and it wasn’t a nightmare but it also wasn’t a good dream. The man I used to dream about – that God had first chosen for me to wed, came back into my life. My stomach started grumbling because I could feel myself going back to being depressed and unhappy. I thought to myself in the dream, ‘I could have sworn God had gave me two choices for a husband… when am I going to meet the second one?’

I dreamt that he had approached me, the same way he usually did in real life, which was with a lot of arrogance. It was like nails on a chalkboard. He tried to boss me around but I stood up for myself and this time, it was different. I didn’t feel obligated or promised to him in my dreams anymore and I could sense that even he knew it. In the dream, I felt like he was afraid he was replaced by someone else, and wanted to see who else God had chosen for me. His arrogance grew when he saw that I was still single and I didn’t know why that made him feel better, especially when he already found someone new in his life. I wasn’t embarrassed when he saw that I was still single but was a bit annoyed to see that he was happy to about it and I woke up.

I never had an issue standing up against him in real life. He was just such an asshole, he really turned me off. And it also made me reject him over and over again, throughout the years. I guess he assumed that, just because most women found him to be very attractive that, I would too. He was wrong. He had a very ugly personality and a very bossy one, that didn’t go very well with it. He thought he could control me. Every one of our friends used to try to tell me how much he was in love with me, when I knew he was only in love with himself. I don’t know why other people couldn’t see it. They all thought he was a nice guy, but I knew better by the way he carried himself and by the way he treated me when we were only friends. And I already knew by all of the dreams I had of him, that I would only end up cheating on him if we had ended up together, because of how selfish he was. He couldn’t make me happy. And I dreamt that he also gave me a daughter and no son – and that was the final straw. God knows that I wouldn’t mind having a girl, as long as I have a boy too. I want a son so bad, that, I would be happy with one child, as long as it was a boy. I just refused to accept that God had chosen him to be my husband in my dreams, I was so disappointed.

I don’t know why I hate arrogance with a passion – especially, vanity. I guess it’s a trait that God instilled within me or maybe, it’s a gene that was passed down to me, by default. It’s not that I don’t like it when a man is confident, I just hate arrogance. There is a difference between confidence and arrogance, just like there is a difference between modesty and humility.

Confidence is an impressive trait and arrogance is just plain annoying – one is honest and the other is not. There is no limit to how great a man’s sense of humility can be, and so also goes, for their level of confidence. There is always a limit to arrogance and to modesty – and sometimes, a little bit of both is enough to irritate the living. Courage is the best form of confidence because a man is honest about his fears.

Being modest is not as difficult as being humble. It is easy for anyone to be modest and most people prefer to be modest, just to portray a character of integrity. There is nothing better than to see a man who invites correction, possessing a genuine form of humility. A man with a genuine sense of integrity, receives correction and guidance with joy. But anyone who is known to be difficult to correct, has the least measure of humility of all. Why should it feel awkward to show someone else the error of their ways in order to help them? Those who behave in such a way, possesses arrogance. And no matter how modest they are, I know they are far from being humble in heart – and there is no integrity in that.

It’s so refreshing to have finally met several men who have a genuine sense of humility and it draws me to this one particular man, more and more. I could tell he was not having a good day today and it actually surprised me to see him in a bad mood for the first time. I wanted to comfort him but wasn’t sure what to do or say. He knew the areas he needed to work on himself and I could tell he was having a difficult time doing it, because he was overwhelmed with work. I wanted to be able to take some of the workload off of him…

I also couldn’t believe that he considered himself to be old and he didn’t realize he made me feel old too by saying that – because he was in my age bracket. I tried to make him realize that he was still young but I sensed that he didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know why he thinks he’s old when he’s not even in his 50s yet. I’ve dated guys older than him and it just made me feel old to be a woman my age, when he kept referring to himself like he was 60 or 70… It was actually, very weird. I just let it go and hope that some day he will realize how much youth he still has left, before it’s gone. I’m starting to see that for myself and I want to spend the youth that I have left, living like I’m 37, and not like 70 anymore.

It made me feel so bad to hear him say that he was sad I wasn’t going to be continuing in my role. I didn’t want him to be sad… I only wanted him to be happy. During my interview for a new position today, I did think about staying in my current position – only for a brief moment. But then, I thought about how silly it was for me to stay in a position that I didn’t like, over a guy… especially when he’s already involved with someone else.

I knew I made the right choice to move on, in a better direction that will help me move up the ladder of success. I thought about how limited my growth would be if I stayed in my current position. There were no higher positions after this and I couldn’t limit myself of opportunities for success.

I want to be able to buy a house and start a family of my own, even if I had to end up adopting a child, by myself. And I know I can’t do that if I don’t get the experience to be able to apply for higher paying positions. I was grateful for the opportunity to interview for a better course of direction, that could help me in the long run. I didn’t want to explain all of that to him, because I don’t think he would have understood or even cared to hear it. And I also feel like it’s better that I take a different path, to rid of these feelings because I have no business wanting to keep him in my life.

I wished I could go back to when it didn’t bother me to learn that he had a girlfriend… For a little while, I thought he had run the same course in sexual orientation, until someone told me he was straight. I was very surprised because of how sensitive and empathetic he seemed.. I guess some straight guys do fit the ‘perfect guy’ stereotype. And of course, it had to be him… I felt a bit upset with God today, wondering why He hadn’t brought this guy into my life first. But then again, who knows if I ever had a chance with him either… I sometimes feel like even the angels whisper, ‘But his intelligence level is waaay up here and your’s is waaaay down there.’ I know my brain may not be so smart, but my heart is very educated, at least in knowing the difference between right and wrong. But still, I admit he’s way out of my league, so, I guess everything happens for a reason.

I keep praying to God that the dream of a loved one coming into my life is true and that I hope I get to meet him soon. I don’t care if he doesn’t have all the similar traits like the guy who helps me with my role. I am okay with him not being as smart, as long as he’s just as kind and empathetic because I want a perfect guy too.

I wanted to eat in the cafeteria alone today and I was a bit annoyed when my coworker came over to chat for a bit. I thought he was going to resort to his stupid raunchy sex jokes again, and I was not in the mood for it at all. The more I thought about the way he talks to me, the more I felt discouraged from talking to him. I was glad he remained cordial and felt like he may have gotten the hint from yesterday afternoon. I told him he goes too far in his jokes and he probably got the hint or maybe he didn’t, who knows.. at this point I realized what I should look for in a man and it’s definitely not reckless conversations. I’m a bit weary this time, not to encourage him by going over to talk to him.. I want him to learn how to talk to a woman, then, maybe, I would give him another shot.

I want so much to meet someone that I can connect with… I want to care for someone and love him all the days of my life. I sometimes feel like these repetitive dreams of a loved one is only a symbolism of my own desire. But then again, the other dreams that came true, gives me hope. Why is it that only the dreams of good things happening to others around me, come true and not for myself? Although I pray for others all the time, it seems like He only answers my prayers for them and not for myself… I don’t hate God, though, nor am I angry with Him – because He owes me nothing. Only people, like my family, the nurses in the orphanage, and others who abused me, are the ones who owe me a thousand apologies for the way they had welcomed me into this world. Not even heaven and earth owe me kindness, but they show me kindness and I am grateful for their support and encouragement. I only wished I experienced more unconditional kindness from mankind.

Most days, I have joy in my heart for absolutely no reason at all. I know God placed it there because it’s the only thing that helps me to remain balanced throughout the day. I am grateful for the strangers that He brings into my life, even if they are temporary, God knows it brings me great joy to have someone to talk to, once in a while. I could not have survived this lonely life without their support, for, it is true that it’s not good for mankind to be alone.

My Thoughts

Today was a very strange day. I felt really great having gone out to get lunch with my favorite coworker and eat in the cafeteria together. The fact that he just kept resorting to raunchy sex jokes, turned me off more and more as the day went on and it reminded me of a dream I had of him, of the feelings being temporary. I had hoped he would pull back from that but I began to wonder if talking to him more often throughout the day, only encouraged him to keep joking in that manner. I kept telling him, that was enough but he would always keep going and I eventually had to walk away. I don’t know why raunchy jokes turn me off. I guess there’s not enough creativity in it, it’s not attractive to me at all.
I could feel my excitement to see him, recede, but my hope keeps pushing me to keep trying. I told myself I wouldn’t run away from relationships anymore and to be open to opportunities. I just wished he was more mature.

As the day went on, I also began to have conflicted feelings about my current role. The more I work with the guy who helps me, the more I want to continue staying in that position. I really like working with him, but I know that can’t be the only reason why I should remain in that position either. He’s the only good part about it . My team mate had pointed something out about him that I started to see for myself. She was right about how much he’s a positive person, I’ve never seen him in a bad mood. His mannerism is incredibly sound and sometimes the way he talks, moves me.

I feel more and more comfortable seeing him around, that I only wished he was around more often. I already know I’m going to miss working with him. He’s just so cute and so mature and youthful at the same time. A part of me feels like maybe it’s a good thing I am moving out of this role. I don’t know if I am becoming more attracted to him and it’s a not that normal feeling of attraction I get, it’s different. There’s something about him I really like, every time I watch him talk. It’s like watching a movie that I don’t want to end. I actually didn’t mind staying late to do what he had asked me to do. I feel like I’d do almost anything for him.

I went over to see my other favorite coworker at the end of the day and I was pretty upset to hear what she had to say. Our other team mate was told not to talk to her by my former supervisor, because she said other people were complaining about them talking for 40 minutes and not doing any work. We both knew that my former supervisor was probably making it up and wished she was more honest about how she doesn’t want to see people talking for 40 minutes and not working, instead of trying to blame it on other people.

That really pissed my favorite coworker off. I completely understood how she felt. And this girl that I loved, had been in general management positions for years, to know when a supervisor was being petty. I just felt bad that she and our other team mate had to experience that. I told her to just ignore it and to keep up her positive attitude. We talked about going to the company bbq together to take advantage of company time. I hate taking advantage of companies but a huge part of me feels lethargic and burned out.
I don’t know why they think it’s okay to take advantage of people; and during break, I had a nice conversation with another team mate who was feeling the same way. I didn’t want him to put in his two weeks’ notice but he felt like he needed the incentive to stay. He applied for the supervisory position and told me he was going to leave if he didn’t get it. I couldn’t blame him for how he felt. Why should he stay if he worked so hard to move up in the company? I felt glad that he was comfortable enough to share something with me. I enjoy listening to other people’s problems, to try to support them and encourage them. I told him to keep hanging in there and that pretty soon, his hard work will pay off.

I felt like today was a very odd day. By the time it ended and I had gone over to see my favorite coworker before walking out the door, I could feel my feelings toward him subsiding into remaining friends. I don’t want to further a relationship with someone who is only going to turn me off with raunchy jokes and it got worse by the time I had to leave. It’s just not something I’m attracted to. ­I thought it was going to get better when we got into a conversation about kids but by the time I left, it was back to square one.

The guy who sat in front of him, showed us a recent picture of his newborn son earlier. It made my heart melt and we got into a good conversation about which would be easier to raise, sons or daughters. My favorite coworker was saying that if he had a daughter, she wouldn’t be permitted to date until she was 30. He obviously hadn’t been exposed to children enough to see the reality of life.

I shared with them that, after caring for my nieces for several years, I already knew I wanted a boy instead of a girl if I ever had children. I prayed to God for that. Boys are much easier to care for, because they’re less maintenance. And plus, guys don’t have to take as much pride in their looks as much as women do. I know if I had a son, I wouldn’t have to worry about him meeting a woman at some point in his life, whereas with a girl, it’s a little more challenging… Guys don’t seem to understand how their looks don’t mean as much to women, as our looks do with men but whatever. He was telling me that his wife thought it was a bit sexist to say that if they ended up with a girl, she would have to wait until she was 18 to date and learn Judo.

It made me laugh hearing that, because that’s what I would want for my daughter, if I ended up with a girl. Only because of my own experiences, I would want her to be more prepared.

I still couldn’t believe that our coworker was calling himself ugly. He has such a very attractive face, his eyes are so beautiful. I love Italian eyes with the thick large eyelashes. I was so surprised at how much he really put himself down when I knew he wasn’t ugly at all.

I find myself under a lot of pressure because of the maintenance women have, with keeping up with our looks. I try to take more pride in myself and I feel like I fail every time. I even started using my liquid liner again, just for my favorite coworker. I didn’t even think he noticed… either way, I’m done trying.. for now at least, until he starts wising up. It kind of became annoying, with the way he just kept resorting to sick jokes… It made me want to smack him.

I came home today with my landlord having bought three different samples of paint for her walls. I put the samples on the kitchen wall for her and we both agreed on the same color. I used to think she was color blind with the colors she had chosen previously. I was actually relieved that she picked a color that was more easy on the eyes.
I wished so much that I was still able to paint. I know I can’t anymore because of the pain I already have everyday. I don’t want it to get any worse and I told myself the only time I’d be willing to put up with more pain, is if I ever give birth…

After experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, I’ve decided that overall, today was good day, regardless. I still hope for a better day tomorrow but I guess I’ll see…

My Thoughts

I had a very stressful day, shifting through tickets for a role that I have been dying to get out of for the last month and a half. I thought I was going to explode and went searching for my favorite coworker and could not find him, right when I needed him the most.
I was so grateful to have someone around, to lift me up when I was on the edge of breaking down again. I am so sick and tired of crying over this miserable job. I have had to work with difficult employers before, but I guess it just tends to feel a lot worse when I’m doing something that I don’t enjoy. I also don’t understand why some people always have to jump down my throat over the simplest things, and it makes me feel so livid, I wished I could just tell them off. When I was in my former role, I rarely broke down. It got to the point that I enjoyed what I did so much, that eventually, nothing bothered me – not even nasty employees or employers.

I went to my second job and was able to revive. Getting those hugs and fist bumps from the lifeguards always helps. For two and a half hours, I was able to forget some of my stress. I love my team mates at my second job.

I came home and the smell of fresh paint filled the house. Two small ceilings had just been primed and it made me miss being a painter so much. I used to love painting houses because of the peace it brought me. It kept my mind from wandering off into bad thoughts and it always made me so very happy to provide quality work for my customers.

I was actually excited that my landlord’s brother asked me for professional advice. Having worked with so many different painting products, I knew what to use to cover water stains, smoke stains, and so much more. I missed having to cut in fine lines, paint accent walls, doing faux finishing, and dry wall repair – I loved doing it all. Working with my hands really helped to build a lot of my esteem throughout the years and it made me appreciate hard work. Most days, I wished I had never gotten into a car accident. My neck and lower back still experiences the shock of trauma during random moments, for no reason at all.

I spoke with the guy who had been helping me in my role and I never realized how funny he was, just by watching him tell a random story. His facial expressions reminded me of someone I used to work with at one of my previous jobs and it made me miss talking to her. He would make the same face as she did, when he laughed and I wished I was working with her again.

It was so awesome to have someone in a higher position that actually supported his team. I wished more people in management positions stood by their hard working team mates. I honestly don’t know if I would have quit today if he hadn’t been there. I was so grateful that I didn’t end up doing anything stupid.

A part of me felt like texting my favorite coworker to see if he’d want to help me work some steam off… but then again, deep inside, I know that I need to be a bit more patient and just wait to get to know him first. I’m not even sure if he’d be into that sort of thing, but I could feel my body craving it. I feel like a huge part of this stress has a lot to do with not having gotten any in a while, and it kills me. I know I need to stop thinking about it but everything seems to trigger those thoughts. Thinking about it it makes me want to eat more and I don’t understand why the thought of it makes me more physically hungry. I guess it’s just stress in general that triggers my hunger – anger, loneliness, frustration… I just want to keep eating and never stop. Food always makes me happy.

A Dream

I woke up from a good dream this morning. I dreamt of being with my favorite coworker and I’m not really sure if it was because I hadn’t been with anyone in a long time.
We were lying in bed together and I was getting up to get dressed. When he sat up to stop me, time slowed down and everything stopped. It was the strangest thing. The dream paused and everything turned grey and I could sense that something wasn’t right. I started to feel sad because I felt that this feeling I had toward him wasn’t going to last and that it was only temporary. Right when I started to become disappointed, time unfroze and everything was back to normal color as I found myself continuing to get dressed. I’m not sure if my favorite coworker has hair on his chest in real life, but in my dream he did and he looked so cute when he tried reaching out for me. He was pleading with me to stay and to just take the day off. By the look on his face, his demeanor had became so attractive and I wanted so much for the feeling I had for him, to remain forever. He said something that made me laugh and I woke up. I woke up happy and I rarely get those days.

I went into work, waiting for him to arrive. He comes in a little over an hour, after I do, and a part of me felt foolish looking at the clock all morning. I wasn’t sure whether to call him or to send him a chat and I wondered to myself why he makes me feel this way. I feel like it has a lot to do with the laughter he brings into my life because it saves me from my sorrow. He makes me forget the sadness in my heart every time we talk.

I didn’t want to seem anxious and I wasn’t sure how to approach him. I try to hide it, knowing how nosy people are, but most of the time, I just don’t care. I think he even knows it now, how much I enjoy talking to him. I was just so happy that he had come over to me, to make amends.

He was absolutely right about the guy who sits in front of him. He really does run his mouth a lot, especially of things he knows nothing about. He hears whatever he wants to hear and so, I just took my favorite coworker’s advice about being very careful about the things I tell him and the things I say around him.

I always believed that being open and honest was the best way to approach someone. In the past, whenever my heart became more fond toward them, I always tried to hide it. I’ve decided not to hide my emotions anymore. I want to get into the habit of remaining open and honest, even when I begin to like them more, starting with my favorite coworker. I want him to see how he makes me feel but I don’t want to come on too strong, as strong as it feels in my heart. I want to let him know that if he is interested, I am willing to take a chance on forming a closer friendship with him. I want to be able to spend more time, to get to know how he really is outside of work, in order to tell if we’re compatible.

I am tired of running from relationships. I want so much to be able to connect with someone. I tell God that he is so very smart and his intelligence shows through his wit and to help me with courage.

It just bothers me a bit that he always has to revert to talking about sex in such a raunchy way. He doesn’t realize it turns me off and I try to tell him by letting him know he went too far with some jokes, that it grosses me out. I enjoy sex alot and I don’t mind talking about it either. It’s just that, I don’t really like talking about sexual things in that manner. I wished he was a bit more suave when it came to conversations like that.. It should be intellectual, romantic, and enticing; and if not romantic, then, at least it should be enticing.

I am not sure how many men know the way to have conversations like that. Some guys converse that way without even realizing it. They turn something on inside me, without doing it on purpose. It’s not easy to have an innocent conversation that can make a woman feel that way but that’s intellect.

I often wonder if I can be intellectual that way. God knows I don’t like to dress sexy at all. I wonder why guys only see women as sexy when they are half naked. I can’t walk in platform shoes and short skirts. I don’t even like showing off my legs. I feel more confident fully clothed and I wished men found that attractive instead. I see how some women dress at my work. They wear these cute sun dresses and shoulder-less sleeved shirts. I wished I could dress sexy, but I only dress for comfort. Perhaps that’s another reason why I am single..

I think about what type of clothes my favorite coworker would like to see me in. I don’t know if I believe him when he tells me I’m pretty. I don’t wear clothes like the other women do, like the ones he looks at the most.

I believe that God knows I deserve more. I have tried to fill this void in so many different ways, regardless of His advice and guidance. Even He knows how much the loneliness in my heart drove me to make a few unwise and foolish decisions in the past. I don’t want to make any more blind choices. I pray to God that this time around, I will get the chance to know a man before I lay with him. And maybe, it will help me achieve that satisfaction that I’ve longed to experience in real life. I’m so sick of almost getting there and it never happens. I want it to feel like the way it feels in my dreams. If I could only describe the painful joy that comes when it happens, I’d write about it all the time.

My Thoughts

I don’t know why my dream bothered me today, but it caused me to become aware of the hatred I harbored in my heart toward the nonbelievers and their sense of entitlement.
It was always because “they didn’t know any better”, or “they know not what they do”, that wrongdoing was always done to me.. but by the time they reach their adult years, they should know better and they should know when they’ve done wrong. I don’t understand where people get this idea that they can take shelter in ignorance forever, and yet, expect forgiveness for the errors they will only repeat again. This way of life, causes me to become LIVID with mankind. The senselessness of repeating the same offense, is not a forgivable sin. It’s when they stop doing it, that the path of forgiveness is a possibility, but it’s not guaranteed.

All beings are NOT entitled to forgiveness without penitence – including angels. The weight and the scales of Justice say that no one is exempt from having to repent, no one. There are some damages that can never be undone; and people who forgive repeated offenders are just as foolish as the nonbelievers. They have no wisdom to understand that this solution does not solve crime, but makes more room for it grow and the cycle to continue. Their blind forgiveness allows it to continue. Why should God forgive or do something about the evil that mankind allows to go on under the sun? It’s when they are willing to put an end against it, that God will finally help them conquer it.

When I caused harm to someone else out of ignorance in the orphanage, God used to say to me, “This guilt is something that will stay with you because of what you’ve done, until the one you hurt has healed.. but be careful of the things you do, for, there are some injuries that can never heal. No matter how much you regret that you’ve done it, there are some sins that can never be forgiven. So, take the time out to learn what they are, in order to be more cautious in your steps. You can save yourself, by using every guilt you have, to make you more aware of your actions, so that you do not repeat the same offense against anyone else. You can also learn from the wrongs done unto you. Learn from the damage that it does to your own soul, so that you will understand why you should never do the same to someone else. There is a difference between doing wrong against someone who has wronged you, and victimizing innocent people just because you were victimized. One is a forgivable sin and the other is not. Write this on your heart so that you never will forget.”

This is the way I have lived my entire life. God has taught me through the voice my conscience. And the more I listened, the more my conscience grew stronger and it matured into righteousness. The more righteous it became, the more it chastised me, because God does not humble the ones who are marked for death – He humbles the ones who seek the right way to live, to see them through to eternal life.

I had often wished that life was as simple as using a masking tape to repair a shattered soul – to bind the heart together and make it heal, as if it never broke. But life doesn’t work that way and I was grateful to have had a teacher that educated me from committing unforgivable sins. People commit these types of evil out of ignorance all the time. They do it because they ignore their conscience. Who can save them, when they cannot save themselves? God gave every man the heart to know better, but fools ignore it because they are spiritually challenged.

There is not a day that goes by, that I thank the Almighty God for keeping me from bringing harm to someone else for no reason. Everything I have done was atoned for by the spirit of Justice, and I sleep with a clear conscience, daily. Faith is the key to understanding. Without a translator, or a voice to guide mankind, what other savior is there, apart from the ‘holy ghost’? And without faith, how can any man, ‘hear’ in order to learn? Therefore, I have no compassion for nonbelievers. I despise them in my heart because they are lazy and reckless. Without their existence, there would be no need for written laws, for, the conscience results in the absence of sin.